TOP 4 Nastiest Things So Far (not for people with weak stomachs..)

4.
This girl in the school's cafeteria on Friday.
She obviously didn't either own a mirror or believe in them. Or maybe she had one of those distorting mirrors from amusement parks. Possibly even the Magic mirror from Snow White. At least I can't think of any other explanation for her clothes. She wore the type of jeans that Britney introduced to the larger public.

She also had a tiny top with a very generous decoltée. Nothing wrong there, albeit a slightly offensive outfit for school, perhaps. However, the problem was that her clothes were size XS. She was an XL (to be nice). This made her look like a Play-Doh fat factory, if you know what I mean. Furthermore, she had decided to complete the look with high heels AND she spoke really loud. So, as she went to the counter, her shoes went CLIP-CLOP-CLIP-CLOP and she just shouted useless crap to her "friends" in a table on the other side of the cafeteria, forcing everyone to look at her.

BUT WHY?

I'm not saying that fat people should only wear tutus and be quiet in the corner, but I honestly cannot understand what she was trying to achieve. There is no way in hell that she could have thought she looked hot, or else she had very serious issues. So again, WHY? And trust me, I was not the only one wondering this. There were dozens of girls staring at her with emotions ranging from disgust, via pity, to utter confusion. I still don't get it..

3.
Pigs. They're everywhere. And they're all dead. I have yet to run into a good steak, or any steak for that matter. All they have is pork. I think it might be a conspiracy to keep the Muslims away or then the people are just simply too poor to afford beef. And it's not just the cutlets with 85% fat and 15% meat, served in any restaurant and sold in every (super)market. They have dried pig's HEADS in stores, next to the meat and cheese section, just casually hung from hooks on the wall. Their dried eyes staring at you as you try to order some cheese. Also some snouts, ears, eyes and other body parts, that are so not meant to be eaten by humans. NOT COOL.

2.
Stretchy pants on dudes. Again...WHY? Almost everyone is wearing them while doing sports. With jogging I can sort of understand that, maybe, but gym? You don't have to be aerodynamic whilst doing bench presses. You don't have to show everyone to which religion you belong, whilst playing soccer. The few who wear shorts, wear really nifty ones, AND LONGER STRETCHY PANTS UNDER THEM. And then these guys don't even do useful stuff while working out like biceps, back muscles, or squats. They do a 101 different types of abs, inner and outer thighs and buttocks. For a macho nation, most guys that I've seen are fantastically gay. They even call it:


I rest my case.

1.
Number One with a bullet. The Witch. Here's what happened. At some point during the first few days in Vigo Kataya and I got on a bus. Right after I took my card out of the ticket machine the smell hit me like a wet sledgehammer. You know how you sometimes forget your gym stuff in the bag overnight.

Now imagine that a leprechaun (why not?) sneaks in and puts a rotting fish
in that same bag, and then urinates on it after eating a lot of asparagus. Then he hides the bag in your closet, where you find it a week later. Then you open it and stick your head inside. It smelled like that. Well, that..plus crap.

We sit down, and I start scanning the bus for the source of the stench, while my eyes water. No fluids on the floors, no jabbering drunkards, no gym bags.. Then I spot the witch. It's sitting next to the window on the other side of the aisle. It has a long woven coat, that's covered in cat and dog hair, white feathers!!!???, and questionable stains. It's hair has turned into dreadlocked lump for lack of washing and it has 7 long, curly hairs on its jaw. The teeth...oh the teeth. Well, remember the beggar/prisoner (later turns out to be Jafar) in Aladdin. It had similar teeth. After a grueling 10 minutes it gets off the bus and the air starts to flow, as two other women quickly open some windows. I look at the witches seat. It has a darker, large stain. I feel my stomach pressing rewind, but I pause it (la cucaracha) by some Zen-like breathing. And here's the best part: at the next stop, a really cranky-looking upper-class woman gets on and approaches the seat after giving the driver some crap about absolutely nothing.. Everyone in the bus holds their breath, but no one wants to warn to cocky harp. And she sits right smack in the middle of the stain in her fur coat!! A universal feeling of hilariousness and disgust fills the bus.

Finally we get off and I feel like doing what Ace Ventura did, when he found out that Einhorn is a man.. Hands down one of the nastiest things I have ever witnessed. Possibly sharing the title with the masturbating homeless guy in Burger King in London.. You just can't make this stuff up.